Just a few days before this breathtaking walk, consisting of 70 kilometers in 3 days, 4 days in the silent cradle of the bush, and views like I never knew existed, my 17 year old cousin chose to end his life. Another blog post will be created, solely dedicated to him... Words, in all their glorious descriptiveness will never adequately express the pain and sorrow in my heart. Not only for the loss of this beautiful person on this Earth, but for the pain I see in my Aunt, Uncle, Cousins, Parents, Sisters... There was nothing more I wanted than to fly back home, cradle each one of them in my arms, and catch their tears.
However... We don't always get what we want. Going home wasn't an option from me. So, from thousands of miles away, I sent all the love, light and positive energy I could - back home to comfort my family in even the smallest way.
My walk started off with a full day of silence for my sweet cousin Terik. This was also the day of his funeral. I wrote in my journal:
"It was a strange day... Thinking of my family members all gathered together at his celebration of life, while I am thousands of miles away... Just walking and walking and walking. Today I felt peace, I felt quiet, I felt angry, I felt sad, lonely, in shock, longing... But at one point, I was hiking and my breath had this certain pattern it had created. I was hiking along in silence, everything was silent around me, other than the wind grazing the treetop canopy above me, birds singing their songs, and bees buzzing.
Suddenly, a bird somewhere in the trees started whistling in rhythm with my breath. It was the most beautiful occurrence. Of course, the bird could have been singing before, and I subconsciously matched their tune with my breath... All I know is, I felt Terik near.
I think now that his body is in the Earth and his energies have been set free, he is able to be everywhere at once. Whispering through wind, trees, and birds the beauty of flying free. I feel like his energy has found peace. I hope I find the peace I know resides somewhere inside me. Xx"
"I love the wonderful paradox of meaning of you mattering so much to me while I am so small and matter so little. How immensely important it is for one tiny insignificant consciousness, to realize how utterly unimportant and insignificant one is. Mother Nature teaches us the beauty of contradiction... My life philosophy, paradox, the dialect, being and not-being, the Tao." - From one of the most intelligent human beings I have ever met.
I hiked 20 miles in the first day. Though the consistent, relentless uphill at the beginning of the track, and the ups and downs of the saddles following were challenging, my jaw was literally hanging - the entire time. The beauty, breathtakingly indescribable beauty that surrounded me was UNREAL. I felt so small. I saw, literally, with my own two baby blues, how small we are as humans. It is humorous to me how we create our little bubbles to keep ourselves "safe." How we choose to only see 6 ft outside ourselves in any one direction, and that becomes our whole "world," our whole Universe. We suddenly become so "important." Our day to day meanderings... Getting that A on our paper, what color shirt we choose to wear, how many stray hairs choose the path of rogue that day, if we accidentally winked with both eyes at our crush... But in reality - we are SO insignificant!
As I was literally a top range after range, watching the track sprawl out in front of me like Dorothy's great Yellow Brick Road, I could see the specks of fellow hikers in the distance... As they trekked along, they were so far away, I felt utterly and completely alone. Being out here simplifies so many things. Nearly everything actually. This world is a beautiful paradox of hidden simplicity. All you have to do is walk.
Of course, standing a top these glorious mountains, filled with their excellent scenery and soothing birdlife, standing completely and utterly alone, just looking in awe at 360 degree panoramic views of pure glory and bliss... Of course I feel amazed at myself. I feel like I can do anything. I feel deliciously independent.
All at the same time, I miss my family and friends. I long for partnership. I long for connection. It is so beautiful, to miss those who mean the most to you in life.
When I look out for hundreds of miles, mountain ranges and beech trees and crystal lakes as far as the eye can see... I come to terms with how insignificant we truly are. This world is so big, and so wide - and our universe even wider. Even our Universe is nothing in comparison with the endless galaxies out there. I feel like... Well. Shit. What am I complaining about? None of the mundane crap I worry about on a day to day basis even matters, at all!
The beauty in this paradox is... That while it does matter, it also doesn't. People matter. Love matters. Experiences matter. If not to the Universe, to us, individually. Isn't it beautiful!? The paradox of mattering so much to one person, being truly "seen" in their eyes, while all at the same time not mattering one bit in the grand scheme of things... When you're a top a huge mountain you just hiked every meter of, looking out at the big, wide, beautiful world.
Kepler track truly taught me the beauty of silence, the meaning hidden in every mountain top, and the difficulties lurking in even the most pristine of views. After tramping in Arthur's Pass, when I now look out over those lush green mountain tops or hills, I recognize, respect, and see the challenging terrain that hides 'neath the seemingly soft, lush, green ground.
Difficulty, however, makes experiences more worthwhile. It is always the hardest parts of our lives we remember. The challenges we faced, the moments we survived through, even when we did not think we could take another breath and suffocation of sorrow was upon us. I am so grateful, in my whole being, for the difficulties I face each day out here. For the physical and emotional pain I go through.
For, it makes the beautiful glory of this land, that much more meaningful.
Xx Rachel